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A Light-hearted Look at the Premier League Summer

Sunday 17th July 2011
So the transfer window is well under way and with nearly £150 million splashed already, its set to be another bumper summer. This article is going to be a fun look at some players and managers of Premier League teams in addition to their transfer dealings. As well as looking at what we could expect from them in the window, I'm going to look at the upcoming season. So, here we go...

The Big Spenders

This is the time of the year where those fortunate teams backed with Arab billions whip out the cheque book. Even if you have 2 or 3 very capable players per position, that doesn't matter, you can never have enough left backs.


Most likely to : Upset a fellow Premier League manager over a possible deal for their player. But don't worry; you're richer, better looking and more charismatic than he is. He could never pull off a blue and white scarf like you do.

Least likely to : Thank any departing players for their efforts. You've moved on and so should they. Besides, Roque Santa Cruz and Jo were rubbish anyway.

Problems they are likely to face : Trying to fit the first 3 digit number on the back of a football shirt, simply because your squad is so big.

For further details see : Manchester City

Notable player : Gael Clichy

 

The Betrayed, but Wealthy

So, you have in excess of £30 million in the bank from the sale of one player, obviously this will go straight back into strengthening the squad. But, now you mention it, the owner's helicopter is looking rather small these days.


Most likely to : Change the pre-match meal menu to baguettes, croissants and snails. It's not to some players' tastes, but at least the new French lads feel at home.

Least likely to : Realise that almost every player you're linked with is also linked with Arsenal, Liverpool and other teams across Europe. But don't worry, you're still a big club, and definitely bigger than Sunderland, which is the main thing for you. HOWAY!

Problems they are likely to face : You decide against spending all of your money from your big January transfer. However, producing 50,000 free tracksuit tops from your sports retailer for your fans to let them down gently won't come cheap.

For further details see : Newcastle United

Notable player : Andy Carroll

 

The Young Talent Hunters

So, you're building for the future, and that comes at a price, whether you like it or not. Players with one England cap to their name are now worth more than double their real value, but it's a price you're willing to pay, because he's the next Stevie G, h
onest.

Most likely to : Change the name of your precious, world famous stand to ‘The End Zone' in honour of your generous American owners.

Least likely to : Admit you've been ripped off. Won't hear Kenny saying: “We just paid £20 million for a player with 4 goals in 70 games?! What were we thinking?!”

Problems they are likely to face : Your players struggle to adapt to the 2-7-1 formation you try to introduce and arguments over set piece duties leads to your players refusing to pass to one another.

For further details see : Liverpool

Notable player : Jordan Henderson

 

The Relegation Vultures

It's your lucky year! You've seen some good teams get relegated with a selection of players up for sale eager to jump ship and return to the big time. They're mediocre at best, but they can do a job for you.


Most likely to : See your manager is releasing his own range of headwear. The 'Tony Top Hat' is a big seller. Your limited edition autumn range is being developed, with the ‘Huth Helmet' and the 'Jermaine Pennant Balaclava' expected to do well.

Least likely to : Change their footballing philosophy. It's not everyone's favourite, and they are sure to annoy Mr. Wenger over the season by being too physical, but for Stoke, if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Cameron Jerome fits the Stoke philosophy: strong and big, and with a poor scoring record.

Problems they are likely to face : The Premier League has banned the use of towels when throw ins are taken. This means your long throw ace is beginning to struggle and your source of goals dries up. No worries, you pack all 11 men behind the ball and finish the season with 38 0-0 draws. You flirt with the bottom 3, but hold out on the final day.

For further details see : Stoke City

Notable player : Cameron Jerome

 

The Quantity over Quality

Your squad was very thin on the ground at the end of last season, so it's all about getting men in shirts. You even ring up your old gaffer for a few cheeky favours. You now have Champions League winners in your squad, get you eh?


Most likely to : Add ‘United' onto their name as they have so many players on loan or bought from the Manchester club. This is a fitting tribute to Sir Alex, who is almost solely responsible for your mid-table finish and winning the title at his own club. Suitably, he picks up the manager of the year award.

Least likely to : Celebrate quietly. In order to persuade Asamoah Gyan to remain at the club, Steve Bruce says every player must take a compulsory dance lesson and imitate the Ghanaian. The dance is then performed by all 11 players on the field when Sunderland score a goal. Great fun.

Problems they are likely to face : They may well suffer yet another striking injury crisis, and end up playing Wes Brown up front. Fortunately, he finishes the clubs top scorer and earns himself a big money move to Manchester United.

For further details see : Sunderland

Notable player : John O'Shea

 

The Wheeler Dealers

He'd probably tell you “go away” (albeit in a far from polite way), but your manager is a Wheeler Dealer, whether he likes it or not. It's that cockney accent. Anyway, you are currently struggling to hold onto a prized asset, but as always fancy your chances of landing targets that are out of your league, Agu
ero or Rossi for example.

Most likely to : See your manager open a market stall in Camden Market called Redknapp and Sons, in order to flog some of your unwanted players. Here, he is in his comfort zone, giving his punters a good deal, as well as one that's right for him. He managed to get rid of an injured centre half, obviously, no refunds are available.

Least likely to : Hire half time entertainment. As he finds himself increasingly left out of the match day squad with 0 goals in 25 games, Peter Crouch becomes the official club cheerleader, pleasing the crowds with his robot dance at half time.

A problem they are likely to face : Redknapp proposes a fight between Carlton Cole of West Ham and Ledley King in order to decide who gets the Olympic Stadium. Unfortunately, Ledley King loses the fight and blames a broken toe and is left on the treatment table for the rest of the season.

For further details see : Tottenham Hotspur

Notable player : Jonathan Woodgate

 

The Miracle Workers

You have a small but good squad with some talented individuals, but unfortunately you can't really ad
d to it due to your poor financial position. Still, your manager is loyal and you are a well-liked club, except by your rich neighbours of course, who taunt your fans by waving money at you. You are linked with bids for players, but they don't materialise. You favour loan deals or free transfers.

Most likely to : Hold an open day for fans with various activities, in order to raise funds. Marouane Fellaini takes part in a sponsored shave and ends up looking like Thomas Gravesen. The day raises a valuable £125.50.

Least likely to : Be a victim of newspaper phone hacking as, unfortunately, not much is happening at the club regarding transfers.

Problems they are likely to face : Your star midfielder scores a great header in the last minute to win the local derby. Unfortunately, he mistakes a linesman for a corner flag and faces an FA Disciplinary hearing following a violent celebration.

For further details see : Everton

Notable player : Nicklas Bendtner

 

Written by James Bolton

Follow me on Twitter - @Bolton0301
James Bolton

Total articles: 29

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