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Love Island: Premier League edition

Friday 15th June 2018

Six want-a-away Premier League stars enter the Love Island villa. All are looking for love, but who will they pair with? We're one week in and things are getting juicy.

Paul Pogba – Real Madrid

Paul entered the villa looking for love after a strained relationship with his ex. We’ve seen Paul really grow in the last week. His dance routines and handshakes were limp and sad at the start, there was no conviction behind them. But now, having ignited a “vibe” with Real Madrid, he’s back to his usual self.

“I just feel I’ve got back to who I am. When I was with Jose, I was shackled. I felt I couldn’t be free, always thinking I’d get a row for something.

“Do this, do that, you know?

“I’m really looking forward to seeing how this goes. Madrid, man, she’s like, a princess. Royalty, right?”

Alvaro Morata – Juventus

Reserved and quiet, Alvaro initially failed to mingle. Any conversation he did have was always about him never really finding the one, moving from person to person. He just wants to settle down. Things got a lot worse for him when his ex, Juve, strolled in.

But the estranged lovers soon rekindled the flame that had died.

“We both said sorry. I think it was an important step.

“Then something just happened at the last challenge. I felt really awkward when the task was revealed. Doing keepy-uppies while your ex snogs you? Christ.

“I think it sparked something, though. I feel we have a genuine connection and we’re both looking for long-term partners, too, and I don’t mind that the Old Lady is my senior. I’m looking for someone more mature.”

Dele Alli – PSG

Alli’s looking for fun. He always suspected that his former partner had eyes for someone else, and when he finally called it a day, he was proven right. A bumper new contract for Harry, meanwhile Alli is earning the same as Jack bloody Rodwell.

He just wants to get away from it all, a fresh start. And he reckons he’s found the one.

“From the minute I set eyes on her I knew. She’s lots of fun and boy she’s rich.

“I’ve spoken to her about Neymar and Kylian, too, and she said she’s not interested in them anymore.

“Paris would be mad.”

Aaron Ramsey – Tottenham Hotspur

Aaron just wants Chris back. Chris saw how special he was, Chris knew how to get the best out of him. That summer in France. The humid air spiced with seductive red wine and tinged with Welsh history. But he left, he just up sticks and went to Sunderland. Now he’s in China – bloody miles away.

He’s always felt that Arsenal have held him back. He knows he’s better than English golden balls Jack. Arsene loved him, but Aaron felt he could do better elsewhere and thrive with a different partner.

But Welshy has found love in a hopeless place. He wants something with that girl Arsenal wouldn’t stop banging on about. Aaron can’t figure out why she hated Spurs so much.

“She’s lush. She sees the potential in me and really supports me.

“She said she’d build her whole team around me, just as soon as she cuts tie for good with Alli. I haven’t spoken to Alli much, but I asked him for permission to get cracking with Spurs and he said yeah.

“I’m just a bit scared that her heart is still with her geezer from back home, what’s his name? Oh yeah, Harry. I’ll win her over though.”

Loris Karius – AS Roma

Poor Loris. He wanted to escape from reality, get away from the nightmare of his previous relationship. He had messed up, badly.

But he was soon reminded of his mistakes by AS Roma. He had heard about their social media antics before coming in, but they’re ruthless in person.

Tears turned to laughter, though, as golden-haired Loris realised he wanted someone who could make him smile.

“I reckon we can sort something out, you know.

“She tells me she’s given up on Alisson. Liverpool already found someone to replace me – talk about moving on. But I think we can sort out some kind of deal, here.

“Seems like a good swap to me.”

Kun Aguero – Atletico Madrid

Kun just couldn’t do right in his former relationship. He gave City everything he thought they wanted. But it wasn’t enough. That Brazilian always got the nod.

Now he wants to feel truly at home, somewhere where he is loved.

“I walked in and saw Atleti, sitting by herself.

“We’ve got a history, but we parted on good terms, remaining mates.

“I thought, why not? At the re-coupling I was mega nervous, and I could tell I caused a stir when I chose her, but I just followed my heart.

“I’m looking forward to going on a date, just as two, like the good old times.”

 

*Obviously, none of these are real quotes. But, legally, we have to clarify.

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Michael Jones

Football & political writer with a predictable love of everything retro. English Literature undergraduate at the University of Exeter, looking to pursue a career in sports journalism. For a collection of my work, visit. http://mikejonesmedia.wordpress.com

Follow me on twitter: @jonesmichael_97


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